SBSGOZA: rachael gilbert

i feel a little embarrassed to admit that i’ve spent more than a few hours research and detailing my plan for the zombie apocalypse. of all the “supernatural” beings, zombies are the ones i consider most likely to exist in some shape or form (i mean there’s a salmon gene in most commercial corn now (to prevent freezing) so there’s no way some scientist out there won’t discover some way to bring us all back form the dead (sidenote to that scientist: screw you. have you not seen any zombie moves?...or frankenstein? do. not. create. the. mutated. zombie. virus.))

so here is my step-by-step guide on how to survive the zombie apocalypse (the SBSGOSZA if you will)

1. the zombie apocalypse is where the survivors are separated from the sentimental. i don’t care how much you love your grandma. inevitably she will get infected and then it’s only a matter of time before you a.) get infected or 2.) shot her in the head. neither of which are good options (if you don’t trust me on this reference i am legend, the night of the living dead, or literally any zombie movie ever). the zombie apocalypse is a game best played solo.
2. have a supply of canned food on hand (this does require preparation…i’m sorry procrastinators of the universe). you don’t want to be entering the zombie apocalypse unprepared, and god forbid be reduced to eating canned tuna by month two (a little preparation will have you on your way to eating those amazing canned mandarin oranges for the rest of your life). also stock up on more than just food...you might not think of regular household materials immediately but eventually you'll regret not buying 100 pounds of toilet paper.  
3. do not hide in a city. are you stupid? finding secluded areas with few people to begin with is your best bet as a.) not too many people are around to be infected and b.) zombies are unlikely to travel too far just to eat your scrawny ass. ultimately, the best place to wait out the zombie apocalypse is either one of the dakotas or montana.
4. include your family in the preparations by playing the board game pandemic to hone your survival skills (if you somehow by the grace of god win please let me know because my family and i have owned the game for over a year and still not won…we’ve been reduced to cheating and still somehow everyone dies.
5. stay updated. it’s very unlikely that the zombie apocalypse is going to occur spontaneously across the world. like a disease it’s most likely to start from a secluded area and spread from there (reference world war z (the book, not the movie) which is credited as being the most scientifically accurate zombie apocalypse scenario). by staying updated and reacting quickly you should be able to get your family to safety before the apocalypse even reaches your doorstep.
6. watch clips of zombie attacks on youtube. honestly everything is on youtube at this point, so in the event of a zombie apocalypse i’m sure that multiple zombie attacks will be posted there. watch all the videos carefully and look for common themes and weaknesses among the zombies. how is the infection transferred? is it viral? blood to blood contact? bite? etc. you should also look for cues on how zombies hunt. can they see you or do they rely on sound? smell?
7. water should always be your main concern. you can survive days without food or shelter but you cannot go a 24 hour period without water. buy the little pellets that make water drinkable. stay near a reliable water source and check it often for corpses that may be infecting it.
8. the basic rule when building a zombie apocalypse plan is to think: will other people be doing the same thing? (as already stated more people = more zombies = death (i.e. don’t go to walmart)) if the answer is yes then don’t do the thing.
9. do not, for the love of all that is good and holy, hide in a place with few exits. your shelter should have plenty of ways to escape in the event of a zombie attack.
10. don’t be shy with your weapons. if you think it’s a zombie, it’s a zombie.