Spoiler Alert: I'm Not A Serial Killer: Rachael Gilbert

How to Be Creepy (The Definitive Step-by-Step Guide)

1.)    Buy at least nine cats. Name them all after previous significant others.

2.)    Build a shrine to Satan. Make sure it is large and easy to see, preferably placed in the most well-trafficked area of your home. Invite your friends to see it.

3.)    Use air quotations often and at inappropriate times (example; “I wouldn’t really say I’m a ‘serial killer’”).

4.)    Buy a house that resembles an unrenovated basement. Sleep on the floor. Creepy people do not need sheets. Or pillows.

5.)    Leave thirty minute voice messages on all of your contacts phones at least twice a week. AT least fifteen minutes of the call should consists only of heavy breathing.

6.)    Stand at least 3 ½ inches closer to people when engaging in conversation. The key here is to make sure they can feel you breathe.

7.)    Intensely google search all of your friends, family, and distantly connected acquaintances. Bring up casual, but intimate facts about them during your next conversation.

8.)    Remark on seemingly innocent aspects of your acquaintances that are actually quite unnerving (examples here: “you smell really good” or “you’re so beautiful when you sleep”).

9.)    Leave the room at random intervals during the conversation, do not explain.

10.)                        Join a cult.

11.)                        Take your friends for long drives in the country. At night. While raining. Do not explain where you are taking them. If they ask, look at them in the rearview mirror, smile, and say “you’ll see”.

12.)                        Refer to yourself exclusively in the third person.

13.)                        Master the art of not blinking.

14.)                        Stare intensely at a person when they are looking away. When they notice you, continue to stare.

15.)                        Make casual remarks in conversation that would make your friends question your sanity (examples of these include (but are not limited to): “It’s not THAT hard to kill a person”, “blood isn’t that messy” and “I know the perfect secluded place to hide anything suspicious…like a body”).

16.)                        Wear exclusively camo.

17.)                        Develop at least three conspiracy theories. Post videos about them to youtube and force all of your friends to watch.

18.)                        Grow a moustache or neck beard. (Chin straps are also acceptable).

19.)                        Invite all of your friends over for a dinner party. When asked what you are serving say “You don’t want to know”.

20.)                        Watch the show Hannibal with friends, remark how it is an inaccurate portrayal of cannibalism loudly and often.

21.)                        In public (at work, restaurants, etc.) limit yourself to a diet that consists solely of canned tuna, horseradish and lemon juice.

22.)                        Allow rodents to roam freely in your household.

23.)                        Show up at random times in your acquaintance’s households. DO not ring the doorbell. Stand in the driveway. Wait to be approached.

24.)                        Remark casually about the voices in your head. If you wish, talk to them while others are present.

Author’s Note: I’ve only attempted like, four things on this list (with limited success), to achieve complete results, all 24 steps must be completed (in order).