Assignment #13- Liz Graves

Since its discovery by Charles Darwin more than a century ago, the scientific community has been able to attribute evolution to the cause of every bodily function, instinctive impulse, and anatomic abnormality experienced by people. In books like Why We Get Sick scientists are even able to explain the hidden benefits of certain human ailments, such a runny nose, a fever, a cough. However, few have been able to explain more obscure human behaviors. 

In a recent Meta study performed by the United States Institution of Pet Peeves, Dr. Roger Conrad, the head analyst of the project, theorizes about the possible causes of Chronic Chewing-With-Your-Mouth-Open Disorder, colloquially known as Rude. “In ancient civilizations, as you know, food was scarce. We of the scientific community believe chewing with one’s mouth open was originally a male mating ritual,” explains Conrad. “The male would open his mouth in an upper-case ‘O’ shape,” **Conrad demonstrated** “thus showcasing the amount of food they were eating. The abundance of food proved the male’s ability to provide for offspring.”

I then asked Conrad how he would explain females chewing with their mouths open, because the unfortunate disorder is not just limited to the men of the world. “Ah, that’s an excellent observation, and we too were baffled by this for a couple of years. Dr. Harper Smith, the leading researcher on the team, actually discovered the answer. Females chewing with their mouths open was an early manifestation of feminism.” Conrad went on to explain that females would open their mouths in the same manner as males when consuming their food to show they too were capable of providing for offspring. It is the earliest known form of women proudly proclaiming they don’t need no man. 

Although this study seems to prove evolution is to blame, it should be noted that Dr. Conrad, Dr. Smith and their colleagues in no way condone the behavior caused by this condition. If you or a loved one suffer from this unfortunate disease, you are encouraged to contact a counselor and attend etiquette classes as soon as possible. There is no need to contact your physician first--this is a fast moving disease, and you could easily infect others if you do not receive immediate care.