Carlisle the Cliff Bar-- Liz Graves

Hello, my name is Carlisle, and I am a chocolate chip Cliff Bar. For years, I have gotten many people through a stressful day at work, an important test, the last couple of miles to the top of Mt. Everest. I am the sole reason James Bond is able to successfully complete every mission without so much as a scratch. I am the breakfast of choice for all world leaders. Had I been around during the time of King Midas, he would have wished that everything he touched turned into Cliff Bars instead of gold. I am well aware of my importance to society. I am well aware that the world as we know it would cease to exist without the life-sustaining energy I provide. To make you understand, I shall tell you a story of a time I was not there to save the day. Spoiler-alert: nothing good happens. For never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her day without a Cliff Bar...

Once upon a time there was a girl named Juliet that went to a ball and saw a boy named Romeo but didn’t really see him because he was wearing a mask even though no one else was and somehow that wasn’t weird but anyway she fell in love without ever talking to him because that’s what people do in stories but they can’t be together because their families hate each other but they decide to get married secretly anyway. Whew! 

Well, a couple of hours after they’re married, Romeo decides to kill Juliet’s cousin. It wasn’t really his fault; Juliet’s cousin started it, but it put a damper on the whole wedding-day thing. It was also super illegal so Romeo was banished from the city of Verona, where he and Juliet lived. The couple was devastated. All they wanted was to be together. Juliet stayed up all night stressing about how she and Romeo were going to be together. She was exhausted, and after she’d ruled out several ideas, she decided to consult the Friar. He suggested she drink a potion that would make her appear dead. She would then be buried alive, but would wake up when Romeo came to find her, and they would run away and live happily-ever-after. This was a completely horrible idea. Reminder: Juliet had pulled an all-nighter and was therefore unable to grasp the idiocy of this plan. Had she eaten a Cliff Bar, she would have been able to process this rationally and eventually come up with a better idea on her own. But she did not, and Romeo and Juliet both ended up dead. The end. 

Moral of the story: Cliff Bars save lives.