Sanitation is the catalyst of illness (assignment 13) Hannah Freibert

A scientific breakthrough is sweeping the globe. Any common man would think that some limited exposure to modern pathogens is healthy. But I, the kid who sits behind you in physics and never covers his sneeze, am here to enlighten you, free of charge. Essentially, I will help you understand why proper sanitation is the pitfall of your health.

As I mentioned, you are likely under the impression that standard hand washings are proper and healthy habits. Oh, how naive. A recent study ascertained from a twitter conspiracy page, renown for its credibility, supports that all of these "precautions" against illness are actually not that, precautions, but rather the source itself. Ah, alas, it is safe to revert back to your kindergarden hygiene habits. Don't bother coughing into the pit of your arm, where all the pathogens being expelled from your body will go to waste. Instead, do not attempt to cover you cough, let your revolting body waste meander about your seat neighbor's breathing area. Or better yet, cough directly into your hand, and then touch everything. Your pencil, your neighbor's pencil, the door handle... the more the merrier. If you're in luck, you can insert your germ ridden paws into that bag of pretzels everyone is sharing. And remember, any form of sanitizer or washing after a sneeze or cough could prove fatal. Studies have shown that 90% of Purell hand sanitizer users get ebola within 7 minutes of use. 

In effort to combat the void of colds and illnesses that accompany the coming winter months, schools will be removing all wall sanitation stations, bathroom sinks, and hand held sanitizer bottles- you know, the Purell ones. In addition, water bottles previously available to buy will be replaced with one, refillable gallon jug that will serve as the community hydration station. Once you drink after the sniffling and sneezing red head in the front of the line, your health is ensured. As courtesy of the faculty, samples of highly contagious diseases will be for display and use at stations in which students can infect their school supplies with an array of illness of their choice. Bathe your pencil in a luxurious combination of streptococcal pharyngitis and the bubonic plague.