pretentious blog post numero who really knows? rachael gilbert

I'm quite terrible at writing (especially satire) so I apologize in advance for this attempt.  But here we go (cue drumroll):
An Offical Step-by-Step Guide on How to Parent
1) names are by far the most important aspect of a child's birth. To name your child properly you must pick a name that is relatively normal, but then completley fuck up the spelling. This makes your child unique and better than all the other children around him. (Examples include: Mycull (Michael) and Beengermain (Benjamin)).
In a similar vein,  other great potential baby names would include ideals they definitely won't rebel against as the move into adulthood (Chasity) or professions (Pilot).
2.) Now that your child is born, you have now entered the noble sport known throughout the competitive world as the "Babylympics". Popular events include: remarking on how "gifted" your child is at every possible opportunity, flooding your instagram and Facebook with your cute new little sack of salavia and shit, and hours spent awake (consecutively). YOU MUST WIN ALL OF THESE.
3.) You're child is new to this world,  be careful not to expect too much from them. When reprimanding them, be sure to use the same expletive. Consistency is key here.
4.) You're not doing your job as a parent unless you take (and post) at least four pictures per hour of your brand new deformed potato to every social media platform you possess. Your family and friends will love the updates!
5.) Your child should definitely not eat baby food or get vaccines.  These have the potential of harming your little one!  You want your child to grow up naturally and no artificial hormones or sugars will stand in your way.  To truly simulate this natural process, take a hike with the whole family and leave your newborn in the woods.  It's the natural way.
6.) Don't try and push your baby too hard,  it should be at least three months old before you begin enrolling it in piano lessons and college preparatory courses.