Freewrite (8) - Jodi Kirkner

Fears- being alone (last one awake, home alone), silence

Annoyances- standardized testing, loud swallowing, water that tastes bad

Accomplishments- everything to my own highest standard, going my own way in life

Confusions- life??? like everything??? why are some people so careless

Sorrows- family, scaring away the guy in Shanghai, weight, LLYP (hah)

Dreams- ASIA, travel, language, stay happy

Idiosyncrasies- 

Risks- almost got hit by a car thrice in China, kayaking, grand canyon

Beloved Possessions, Now and Then- then: baby blanket named Bear Quilt, now: school supplies? I can't-

Problems- STRESS, anxiety, procrastination, forgetfulness (usually causes all of the former)

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I have so much up there to talk about but I have once specific thing I want to talk about. It's a story.

When I went to China, we stayed in a little hotel on the campus of Shanghai university for a week. It was the university's private hotel, only for guests of the university. On our last night, my friends and I decided to play cards in the hallway foyer (the floors were X shaped, so there was a big open floor space where they met, not really a foyer) since girls and guys weren't allowed in each other's rooms. Well. A college aged Chinese guy and his dad came by, and started talking to us. Where we were from, our interest in China, etc. He told us about going to NYU for the next school year and how he'd been studying English just to go... etc. He also told us his dad liked watching us play cards because it reminded him of his childhood. He was a really sweet old man. This whole time they had been standing directly behind my back, so I only saw them if I turned around. We invited them to play with us, and they declined. The conversation lulled, because we were all getting into the game, and I felt bad that nobody was talking to them anymore so I tried to start another topic of conversation, only half thinking. "So, why are you staying here?" I asked. Meaning, why in this hotel, if you live elsewhere. I waited, little question marks floating around... like if someone doesn't text back and you just send them "????"... I was mentally sending them some "????". When I turned around to raise my eyebrows or something, they were gone. GONE. We all realized that his interpretation of it wasn't staying here as in the hotel but as in the hallway. I SCARED THEM AWAY AND I DIDN'T EVEN MEAN IT!!! My friends all burst out laughing at me and saying "This is why everyone hates America!" and "No wonder everyone is trying to nuke us!" and although they weren't nearly affected by it, and just thought it was funny that I scared them away, I felt really bad. The guy and his dad were so nice and I really liked them a lot. All of my friends made fun of me for the rest of the trip for it, occasionally saying "Why are you staying here, Jodi?!" I saw the humor, but couldn't shake this bad feeling I had, thinking about the son telling his dad that I told them to go away.

I felt so bad I even tried to find their room to explain it to them.. but to no avail. To this day, I still have actual pangs of guilt when I think about it. Pangs of guilt over some people I'll definitely never see again, that I only knew for a couple of minutes. I don't know why this bothers me so much and always sticks with me, but I don't know if I'll ever stop regretting that moment. The fact that I'll never have the chance to explain it to him is what really bothers me the most. I wonder if he still remembers that moment, and me as something like the "rude American cards girl."